My husband and I were invited to lunch the other day by a family who seemed to have it all together. Their house was nicely in order, the table was set and even their adolescent children were sitting with us at the table. I began thinking, have my kids ever eaten at the table with us?
Then I noticed how close she seemed to be with her children. I asked her how she developed such a tight-knit relationship with them. Innocently, she made a statement about how she engaged her kids when they were growing up. Little did she know, that statement would put me into a tailspin for the rest of the day.
When we got home from lunch, I told my husband how I felt I did a terrible job mothering our kids. I compared my family to this family and accused myself of not engaging my children enough while they were growing up. I even texted my friend and asked her in what ways she engaged her children, so I could learn from her. Nothing wrong with that. But I condemned myself.
Because we know this family and some of the things they are working through, my very wise husband said to me, "People can look like they have it all together but it doesn't mean they do."
I then realized I allowed the accuser, the liar, and the thief to steal the peace that was mine, moments before, just because of a simple statement made by a friend. Then I thought of the way God must have seen me while I raised my children; innocent and pure because I am in Jesus. I did the best I could with what I knew at the time to do.
So I can relax. I'm not guilty of being a bad parent. That was just me judging myself. And I called it what it was: self-condemnation. I participated in the comparison trap, too. The self-imposed guilt trip that measures my life against someone else's where somebody always comes up short; another lie I choose not to believe manufactured by the accuser himself.
But instead, I have the Prince of Peace (Isa 9:6) who reminds me that God has given each of us different gifts for doing certain things well (Rom 12:6). (So why do I compare myself to others?). He will fulfill his purpose for me (Ps 138:8). He is for me (Rom 8:31), ruling in my heart and mind (Col 3:15), reminding me of truth and grace in my life (Jn 1:14).
When we got home, I googled the word, 'engage.' It said, greatly mindful and committed to the interests of another; actively involved in another's activities. I realized I have engaged my sons while they were growing up, in my own special way.
I'm always up for learning new ways to engage my sons. Currently, I'm planning a vacation where my whole family can meet somewhere in the middle of the country and rent a place together for a week. It's challenging to find somewhere to go that we all agree on and during a time of year when we all have off but it's not impossible. With God everything is possible.
The ways I'm engaging my sons at this stage in life? I call my son, Zach, who lives out in CA regularly. I go to my youngest son, Hunter's basketball games, and take him to lunch afterward. With my middle son, Harry, we have weekly family times and we invite his girlfriend, Cailyn, to join us. We take turns ordering from different fast-food restaurants according to who is having a hankering for what type of food. We laugh and have fun.
We will have family night tonight and Cailyn wants Chinese! So Chinese it is! It's here where we sit back, relax, and enjoy each other's company in a safe and supportive environment with gratitude in our hearts for all that God has given us.
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